#worldmentalhealthday

Posted on Oct. 10, 2018: Today is #worldmentalhealthday and I think it’s worth recognizing that in this social-media obsessed culture we live in, we often see everyone’s best versions of themselves posted for the world to tap twice on. But hear me brother and sister, what we see on the outside oftentimes does not reflect the true/complete picture. Personally, I’ve been running on empty for a while now and battling through some intense anxieties. Ive shared some fun highlights of my life on this platform but have also tried my best to share pieces of my struggles. There’s a lot more to me than who I’m perceived as over social media and the same goes for any other person on here.

I feel like someone here needs to be reminded of their inherit worth. By no means are you perfect, but you are worth being cared for. You may be struggling to find peace and your first instinct is to turn to social media for mindless scrolling but please be careful with that. Know that every account is handled by a human being, with three-dimensional struggles and victories. If you need help, recognize it, and find the courage to seek guidance. I love you, brother and sister and I am with you on this journey.🍃

I posted that caption a year ago. I remember exactly where I was when I wrote this and what I was going through at the time. I remember days before going through one of the worst panic attacks I’ve ever had. Breathing was hard, tears flowed down my cheeks, overall numbness and even a temporary loss of vision—it was scary. I remember running out of work to meet my Lyft driver because I couldn’t drive myself to the clinic. I remember waiting and Darrell, the bank's security guard, approaching me with his usual infectious smile but all I could summon was a quick gaze up and a half thought out response as to why I had a tissue in my hand and tears running down my face.

My body was having an extreme reaction and I didn’t know what to do. Surely, the doctor could help explain what was going on, right? I remember one of the first things the doctor asked me was if I was a millennial. When I said yes he looked at me with a smirk as if he had already diagnosed my problem. I remember he asked me a few questions and looked at me like I was crazy and looking for attention. Little did he know was that this fragile piece of me was my best-kept secret.

He advised me to rest it off, handed me a doctor’s note to give to my employer and wished me well. I took that note, looked at the doctor with disgust and shoved it in my bag. I was hours away from boarding a plane to Chicago to attend two conferences and coordinate an event...and decided it was best that I focused on doing my job—the only thing I felt I had some control over.

The day I wrote that post, I felt overwhelmed, misunderstood and completely alone. The event I coordinated went great and I felt accomplished but my mind and body were begging for me to pay attention to them. That night I said no to late-night adventures and drinks (which were my go-to distractions) and yes to resting and reflecting. Of all days to come to that realization it happened on #worldmentalhealthday . So that night I remember feeling the urge to participate in this campaign because I was in the middle of figuring out my own mental limitations.

For anyone out there on the verge of a breakdown and feeling alone about it, what I know helped me was saying no to distraction and yes to rest. Give yourself permission to rest and summon up that courage I know you have to build those boundaries. I can tell you that that night marked a MAJOR turning point for me.

I allowed a lot of shit to slowly build up and eventually I snapped. I neglected myself and I pray that you never ever feel that depth of pain and hopelessness. Be tender towards yourself. If you don’t know where to start, start by saying no. For me, it eventually meant saying no to a job that didn’t make me happy, using my savings to travel and serve others. Those individual steps took A LOT for me to do but in time everything became natural and I began to feel fresh relief. I’ve spent this year drawing out my boundaries (saying no a lot), reflecting A TON and finding opportunities to care for myself.

Whether you've never felt like your mental health has been an issue or you're in the middle of it, it's a human reality we all have in common. We all have varied coping mechanisms but the common solution is care.

Today, I am the best version of myself and it makes it that much more meaningful when I look back and remember all the little no's and yes' that added up to it. :)

I love you and hope you find your rest!

Amanda R. Martinez