RE: Re: Stacks

Admittedly, this is going to be an interesting blogpost...I talk about two seemingly disconnected topics but at their core both prompted me to evaluate my evolving perspective. I recognize the absurdity of what you’re about to read but this was eye opening for me. Writing this entry down in my journal kind of allowed me to open the floodgates! I’m proud of the journey I’ve been on and ready to challenge myself to ask the simple question ‘WHY’ more often! This, I’m hoping, will be the beginning of regular blog posts updating you on my lightbulb moments and adventures during this season of my life! Enjoy!

Before you read any further, I need you to listen to the song Re: Stacks by Bon Iver (click here). Done? Okay, now you can read on! ;)

I had always associated this song with my freshman year. I loved it. It was one of those songs that played on a loop (and probably annoyed the heck out of my roommate! HA).

The day I started writing this post I was looking out into the small oasis that is Lush Atitlan (in San Marcos la Laguna, Guatemala) and the song Re: Stacks played through the terrace speakers. The initial strumming of that guitar almost immediately took me back to when I first heard it. I remember connecting to it more for the somberness and tone of Bon Iver's voice than the actual lyrics. Honestly, in all the times I listened to it, I never really bothered to understand the lyrics...not once. "What/who is he really singing about? I'm assuming he's singing about tragedy but what's the real story?" These questions were some of many that were bubbling up in me as I was taking the last sip of my coffee on that terrace.

Re: Perspective 

We often attach songs to certain seasons of our lives. Don't believe me? If you hear Hey Ya! by OutKast, does that not take you back to a certain time or moment? That song was everywhere and reminds me of when my 4th-grade classmates called the local radio station to request it so we could dance along to it in class!! I always smile when that song comes on because it teleports me to that specific moment and the feelings associated with it.

When I first heard Re: Stacks, I remember hesitantly venturing off into new territory and recovering from something I didn't fully understand yet. So, Bon Iver and his somber voice comforted me. Think of a mother tenderly tucking you into bed, lovingly looking at you in the eyes and then caressing your cheeks before saying goodnight... that was Bon Iver to me! That personal feeling was all I needed during that moment in time.

Fast forward seven years and I feel as if I'm navigating through those similar feelings. This time, though, I'm carrying a different perspective. I'm more curious. I don't want to just FEEL anymore, I want to KNOW. Perspective is everything and it's yours to build upon. So sitting on that little Guatemalan terrace I realized my perspective changed...and I love that it had-- it means I've grown!! I want to say that at that moment I came full circle, but I didn't, life has added an additional dimension to that circle. As it turns out, my circle has transformed into a three-dimensional sphere.

Re: Understanding

Feelings are wonderful! It's what pushes us towards and away from things! However, if you ask me right now, I want to go beyond the feeling and know WHY. Why am I feeling happy or sad or hesitant? What triggers these brief but clearly impacting emotions? After (finally) sitting down and reading through Justin Vernon's (Bon Iver) lyrics it deepened my love for it. I guess when you take the time to know more about something or someone, you come to form a deeper bond to it.

For instance, you listened to the song earlier, now tell me if you picked up on the following imagery:

There's a black crow sitting across from me
His wiry legs are crossed
He's dangling my keys, he even fakes a toss
Whatever could it be that has brought me to this loss?

Time and time again I had felt the sadness in his tone and the tremor in his voice, but I never ever EVER pictured this scene! How devastating. Another realization? After all these years, I assumed this song was solely tragic, but it's not! Justin Vernon seemed to slip in a victory to this story:

This is not the sound of a new man
Or crispy realization
It's the sound of the unlocking and the lift away
Your love will be safe with me

Understanding what you're consuming changes the game and I'm only now realizing it! Challenge yourself to understand more of what you're touching, hearing and seeing...it makes things more dimensional.

Re: Grace

This random song analysis brings me to the topic of grace. It's something I've never fully understood but thinking about more and more right now. Define grace for me, Amanda. Grace means receiving something that is unmerited or unearned. And if you think about it, you and I have a lot of that in our lives, don't we? Grace oftentimes comes into play when you realize you're sitting in obvious privilege and ask yourself why me and not them?. I've felt this pang of guilt while living in Uganda, here in Guatemala, and even in the States. The problem with that feeling is that it's kept me from enjoying the gift that's called grace.

This all parallels with my study of Re: Stacks. I'm evaluating how I've reacted to grace in the past and how I'm challenging myself to KNOW more. I always reacted to grace like an awkward response to a compliment: grateful but hesitant to accept it and quick to move on. Or another way I've reacted to grace is trying to earn it...which we just defined what it is, unearnable. Haven't you ever been given a gift or someone has gone out of their way to do something for you without asking for nothing in return? It's just because they wanted to. It's a weird concept to grasp, but when receiving grace, I'm finding it makes you more of a compassionate person.

I want to challenge my typical reaction to unearned gifts of grace. What would happen if we placed guilt or shame aside and accepted grace with open arms? What kind of ripple effect would occur through that? Maybe by embracing it, we begin to spread a similar grace onto others?! Think about it, I know I am!!

Bahhhh I warned you this was going to be an interesting post (I meant interesting in a weird way HAH)! All of me wanted to keep this to myself because it felt extremely random, a bit disjointed and something only my journal should be acquainted with. BUT I thought this would be a good segway into this new season of my life. I'm hoping to 1.) be more curious and 2. embrace grace, so publishing this is my way of keeping myself accountable and inviting you to take part in it! I'm hoping for more random lightbulb moments to come so that we can sift through them together! xo