I want to preface this post by saying that I wrestled with how I'd approach what I'm about to share. I did not want to share a "woe is me" tale or a "let's bash my previous employer" post. This was tricky so if I venture off into either one of those versions, please know it wasn't intentional. I'm sharing what I struggled with in the hopes that it becomes purposeful and helps you in some way.
The first day of 2018 went a little like this: I was living in an Arctic icebox, aka my cute but temporarily frozen apartment! SERIOUSLY, I layered myself in thermal Long Johns, my floral flannel PJs that my great aunt gave me, the chunkiest yellow oversized sweater and about five fuzzy blankets! Jenny, my neighbor (and insanely incredible friend), saw one of my pitiful Instagram stories talking about this and she immediately invited me over to her apartment (#BLESSEDDD). We were laughing about how my place was an icebox yet had hot water and hers was a warm and toasty paradise yet her pipes were near-frozen! As I was thawing out, Jenny ran over to my place to take advantage of my hot water. I was on the phone with my mom when all of a sudden I noticed smoke coming in from Jenny's front door..."That's weird, I see smoke," I told my mom nonchalantly. A few brief minutes later the alarms started going off. "Mom, I hear alarms going off downstairs and Jenny told me that no one else was in the building. Let me go see what's going on." I opened her front door and was met by an indistinct fog. It was coming from the apartment downstairs! I ran outside, looked into the window and saw the fire. Immediately, I ran across our courtyard and over to my place to alert Jenny.
After calling the fire department, we decided to fill buckets of water and throw them at the bit of fire that was exposed to us. Remember, Jenny's pipes were near-frozen, so getting water into those buckets added an additional layer of panic! With my hands numb, and my body fighting between shock and adrenaline, I threw the little water I had in my bucket into those flames...didn't really help but we tried! Once the actual professionals arrived, Jenny and I (and at that point the entire neighborhood) stood in 12 degrees Fahrenheit weather and watched in total confusion. Teams of firefighters ran over, broke into the apartment and swiftly extinguished the fire. GUYS, that was DAY ONE of 2018! This first day, in so many ways, symbolized my year.
Movin' Out
Girl on fire
On paper, and possibly through social media, it all looked great! I always found the silver-linings and fun in every situation (I'm a silver-lining-aholic...possibly to my detriment). But in full disclosure, I was constantly putting out fires, however, what I didn't realize was that I was engulfed in flames. NEWS FLASH: Don't try to be your own fire-woman when you're the one that's on fire! That bucket I was trying to save myself with quickly became empty.
By March, I began what would be a long drawn out season of experiencing panic attacks (in and out of the office). "WHY?!?" I'd ask myself either on the floor of a bathroom stall or in the comfort of my car, "Amanda, you have a good job, you're doing work that is helping others AND traveling! Why the f**k are you complaining?! STOP IT! STOP IT!" My head, heart, lungs and eyes felt on the verge of imploding! There were moments that I could not say a coherent sentence because my mind was so backlogged and overwhelmed. I knew it was bad when I took pain medication to stop the aching. There were days, though, when I remember getting back to my apartment feeling okay and celebrating that okay-ness by smiling so hard and dancing because I wanted to soak up as many okay days as I could!Looking back, I still haven't fully processed why I reacted so severely. Maybe it was because I felt boxed in? Maybe it was because I felt the awful need to defend every word that I typed or rolled out of my tongue? Maybe it was because I felt completely overwhelmed and isolated? All I can remember was feeling an intensely deep ache that I could not shake off. I was embarrassed by it and kept it to myself for some time.
This kind of toxic lifestyle was not a healthy or sustainable one. BUT I was (and will always be) a fighter and a people-pleaser--two characteristics that can help or destroy someone. "I will overcome this challenging season! This isn't the first time you've been faced with something difficult! You've got this" I thought! Convinced that my long vacation to Spain and Italy would re-energize me, I powered through.
Reborn
I returned to work after my vacation feeling like myself again! However, the bucket I had been holding onto all year quickly became heavier. I had competing projects, expectations, trainings, continued apartment problems which led me to "couch-surf" for about a month, and so on. In my mind, I only seemed to have one choice when dealing with all of this: to continue clutching onto that bucket in the hopes that it would lighten over time. Panic attacks resurfaced, teary eyes became uncontrollable and I eventually became detached. I recognized that none of this was normal and decided ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH, I can and need to do something about this.
Delicate
I knew I wasn't my best self and that I needed to leave. After months of quietly saving, praying and hoping to find "the right moment," I did it, I left my corporate job! I was saturated with anxiety during the days leading up to my resignation. "My manager is going to be so disappointed in me," I thought, "I'm letting him down." Thankfully, he reacted with so much grace and understanding. I admired the people I worked with and saw many of them as mentors. Ultimately, I left because I was burned out and recognized the need to address my mental/physical health.
And you know what?! The more I sit and process through 2018, the less resentful or bitter or angry I feel! It is because of that heat and pressure (Numbers 31:23) that I now realize what is most important to me: work/life balance, quality time with family and friends and my faith. It is also what inevitably brought me to realize my long-term goal: to one day own a social enterprise that employs and empowers women by using fashion and design!! I'm putting that goal out into the universe, it's going to happen! I have loads to learn but I had to make that leap of faith. I can feel it in my heart and bones... I'm on to something.
And you know what?! The more I sit and process through 2018, the less resentful or bitter or angry I feel! It is because of that heat and pressure (Numbers 31:23) that I now realize what is most important to me: work/life balance, quality time with family and friends and my faith. It is also what inevitably brought me to realize my long-term goal: to one day own a social enterprise that employs and empowers women by using fashion and design!! I'm putting that goal out into the universe, it's going to happen! I have loads to learn but I had to make that leap of faith. I can feel it in my heart and bones... I'm on to something.
Shake it out
So what's next?! You (and I) now know my long-term goal! I'd love to use fashion and design to empower individuals to live sustainable lives. But I can't efficiently do that if I'm not leading a sustainable lifestyle myself. At the moment, I have no idea what's next but know that I'll keep you updated! I have a few leads so stay tuned...
My angels (Thank you for being a friend)
This year was incredibly difficult but it also shed light as to how love and friendship can be put into action. I need to thank my family who watched me break down in defeat multiple times. I was embarrassed and scared but they loved me just where I was at and I could not thank them more for that. Amo mucho! I need to thank friends like Edith, Angie, Jess, Alyssa, Leslie, Amanda, Allie, Catherine, Jenny, Bobbi, Ingrid, Kaitlynn, Shana, Levi, Tristan, Daniel and Alex! These people constantly checked in on me (even when I was the worst at responding back HAHA); made me laugh so hard I couldn't breathe; encouraged me; empowered me; and prayed for me. None of us are created to bear anything alone and this year I was met by friends who relentlessly pursued me. THANK YOU, friends, THANK YOU!
Dear Reader (Extraordinary Magic),
Right as I made the decision to finally leave, I opened up to a co-worker. Her response was, "Why didn't you tell me?! I could've helped you!! I didn't realize any of this was going on!!" Sister or brother, if you're going through something challenging and think it's the right thing to keep it to yourself, DON'T. What I did wrong was shutting people out. I put on the best smile I could summon up and used my love for fun clothes as a distraction so that those around me wouldn't see what was really going on! Sneaky, I know. My co-worker could've helped me walk through those dark moments at work but I was too prideful to admit I was in need. Learn from my mistake: allow others in, it's brave.
The hard truth is that it's easier to let heat or pressure consume you than to openly admit you're feeling defeated. But the more I tried to verbally make sense of the unexplainable ache, the more I allowed myself to breathe. Let the professionals (aka your family and friends) help you extinguish that fire!
Ring the bells!
Man, I know this post is wayyyyyy long and heavy but I don't want to forget to highlight the great moments that came out of 2018! Click here to check out my highlight reel!
I love you and pray that if you're ever faced with something you can't explain, that you know you have the courage in you to allow someone to help. I promise, it's there.
xx,
Amanda
I love you and pray that if you're ever faced with something you can't explain, that you know you have the courage in you to allow someone to help. I promise, it's there.
xx,
Amanda
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